hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
