Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
