You can't special order awesome
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You made out with two different species that night
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
