There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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