I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
