He uses pillows to masturbate.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
