the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
