A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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