I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
