I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
