My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
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We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
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It's rum buckets o'clock
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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