i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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