I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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