omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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