if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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