Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
i now understand why vodka
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
