I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
