this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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