You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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