it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
