Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
