Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
