My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
