i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
