I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
