I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
