Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
