don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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