Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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