The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
