why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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