Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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