i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Randomize
