shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
