I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
