well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
