He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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