Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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