My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
