i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
BRING THE BAGELS
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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