There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Randomize
