So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Randomize
