so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
