I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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