Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
