You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
