Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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