just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
