I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
