God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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