Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
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I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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