you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
