I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
