she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
