see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
