Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
