Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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