My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
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If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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