I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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