you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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