New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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